Monday, 19 August 2013

Motivation and Lists...

Well, here we go again! Another term is about to kick off leading into a whole new academic year. Forgive me now for the ramble this may be but I have spent seven hours today planning work and my brain feels a little like a raided filing cabinet crying out for order!

This morning as I sat at the desk I have to admit a real feeling of dread! I love my son dearly (I hope that is evident and not something I have to spell out!) but the cost of home schooling a child in emotional terms, particularly last term, has been big and having had a break I am quite apprehensive about starting again and finding it all too much. However, today has been good! I did check facebook a ridiculous number of times in the first few hours! I'm not exactly sure what I expected to see as pretty much all the friends i have were using their time far more industriously than me but it was a distraction that was there. I rebuilt our lego calendar, I counted out the weeks and worked my way through all the mundane tasks I could think of. There were a few turning points that did help my day. Let me share:

Motivator Number 1:
Let all that you do be done in love. —1 Corinthians 16:14 (ESV)
This was posted on Facebook by one of my favourite Christian songwriters. (See Facebook wasn't a complete and utter waste of time!) I was quite struck by this. Over the weekend I have felt quite challenged by the fact that as a stay at home mum quite often the temptation is to feel like a bit of a sponger from the world. My children are all pretty good at entertaining themselves now and I feel quite redundant a lot of the time. My days are endless rounds of tidying up, cooking, cleaning and doing various mundane jobs over and over again. My children often only come and see me when they've got an issue to resolve with a sibling, they are bored or they are hungry. On the very rare occasion they do come and chat to me just because they'd like to talk to me, but that is definitely the exception rather than the rule! So, at the stage my children are at the temptation is very big to seek out some other sort of "life satisfaction" and role. My frustration of late has been that whilst the kids are all that bit older they still do need me! None of them are old enough to be left on their own and what I have been learning is that the security in knowing that I am there at all is so important to them. With a bigger family, one of whom needs a fair bit more input than 'normal' we are still well and truly at the stage of it being a complete headache to try to find babysitters for even the most mundane activity. So, it can be an easy road to travel down of feeling resentful and frustrated. However, this verse sums up how I have been feeling! Instead of seeing the kids as obstacles in the way I need to realise and appreciate what God given gifts they are! I have 4 little personalities that love to be at home, love to be near me and love to talk (normally all at once). Those conversations about the various issues I need to cherish and make the most of rather than feel frustrated with. All that I do needs to be "motivated by love" not just the jobs that I do for people out with my family. Isn't it easier sometimes to give family 2nd best? So, homeschool has to be motivated by love! I love my son but more importantly I love The Lord who gave us the gift of a son! My attitude I need to constantly reassess in order not to lose my focus and this verse I think I will keep at our desk!

Motivator Number 2:
Every week or so I get a whole batch of emails from the National Autistic Society. Today was my mailing day and one was to help parents help their children get back into school. Just glancing through the list of difficulties was an immediate wake up call to me! Here were parents battling with all that we were before we took S out of school and far far worse. Whenever I feel frustrated about how home school affects ME if I think about how school affects S I can feel quite upset quickly! I really don't know how much in me is sheltering S from the inevitable realities of a world that doesn't cope with people who don't conform to its view of 'normal' but ultimately I feel a huge responsibility to shelter my son from a world that he doesn't understand and as yet doesn't have the strategies to cope with. In the day to day living we can so easily forget S is on the spectrum but every now and again are very much reminded. Even in this past week it has been very clear. Out of all 4 children S has by far been the most agitated about term starting again. Over busy times during the summer his aggression has built up and he has needed to have 'time out' completely from any other person. His anxiety levels at not knowing what is going on at any time can be huge to the extent that if I open the door to go out to the buckets he needs to know where I'm going and if I'll be back! (I really struggle with that!) S is so so clever at giving the impression he understands scenarios and situations and that he's coping but at times over the summer I have seen an expression of sheer terror in his face as noise levels have exceeded what he can cope with and as he has struggled to make sense of a situation. This little boy I couldn't bare to put back to school. I don't cope when he doesn't cope! I just want to cry! But yet, at this time in life I have the chance to give him a calm environment at home where he is safe and loved and I need to remember that that is a blessing and a motivator!

Sorry - this really is a ramble!! I will draw my thoughts to a conclusion!

I've decided and realised that lists are crucial to our progress this term. I've decided that for my sanity I will resort to a weekly meal plan. I did this when our twins were babies and it was great. It's a bit dull and means that if you ever visit us on a Monday you'll be eating macaroni and bacon, but it helps my head!! I've also updated apps so that S has a list of what he'll be doing on each day, a list of tasks, lists of holidays, lists of pretty much everything really. This should help make our days smoother and more structured. I'm going to make more of an effort to ensure we leave the house far more during the week, once for coffee for me, once for a trip for him and once for shopping needed. That should help my claustrophobia and hopefully help him to feel a bit more confident out and about.

Other than that life will carry on as usual. Family life is up in the air! We have no idea where our family will be living in a couple of months but know that we will not be here. That is definitely adding a little bit more spice into life! For those of you who are praying for us thank you so much again and may I ask you keep doing so. That would really be my motivator number 3 and means so so much! I couldn't do this without you!

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